Friday, March 18, 2011

Second Week of Lent

Into the second week of Lent, I find myself distracted from the time necessary to really do the important self-examination necessary for real repentance.  A continued battle with severe allergic response, which exacerbates the constant problem of projects unfinished, has very much affected me plans. That, actually, I suspect, is what is making this Lenten journey even more enlightening.

I have learned that a quick "I'm sorry" or a "I'll fix this later" does absolutely nothing to bring about real transformation.  For me, it is a question of facing squarely those things, and I sometimes call them "my demons," that routinely separate me from kingdom of heaven living.

The problem with calling them "my demons" is the tendency to see them as outside me, when I very much believe they are inside me, they are an integral part of me. A Lenten season that pushes me closer to those demons also gives me greater insight into my soul.  

Ultimately, the goal is not to eradicate the demons, but to love them into transformation.  

I grew up in a theological world that suggested I needed to eradicate the demons.  That I needed to leave parts of myself behind.  Ultimately, that led to an internal dissonance where I knew that I had said that I had "left them at the altar" but I also knew they were still there.  That's called "lying."  And I got stuck.

I personally am far better off to speak real truth:  these are my demons.  They are part of me.  And as I learn to love them, see them as integral to me, and embrace them in light-filled and exposing love, then I begin the process of transforming them.

Hiding from them or pretending they have been left behind just doesn't seem to do the trick.  They always come back, often seven times more powerful than before.

It is in the struggle that I sense the Holy Presence of God, with me, in me, around me, above me, before me, beside me, under me.  Together, we seek a resurrection life, whole and holy.

My lifelong journey.

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