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In the few hours of sleep I had last night, I kept having dreams that I was facing multiple impossible tasks. There was also some sort of poisonous snake or lizard that infiltrated the bookcases. It would be in plain sight and then hide away again. I woke this morning in despair. I have this sense that by going ahead and arranging for her to be fed that I am condemning my mother to a life consisting of a slow descent to hell. We'll keep her alive, and her heart pumping, and she will never get out of bed again.
My brother flew in last night and I filled him in on everything. It is good to have him here. I have this feeling that the hospital folks want her out of here as soon as possible and she will only qualify for skilled nursing at this point. If she is not at a place that has an incentive to get her from skilled nursing to rehab, then my worst fears will be realized.
When I got to the hospital today, my sister and brother were already here. They had found her as has been the case extremely unresponsive again. Not able to awaken. She was taken for a CT scan then and that did wake her up.
We talked with her for a while. She moves in and out of awareness of what is going on, but clearly does not understand the severity of her stroke. One of her Sunday School class members came by. For a number of years (I don't know how many and when I asked her, she said she started writing it in 1940--but I think it was closer to 1970), she has written a weekly article for her church paper about her Sunday School class. Week in, week out, she has managed to condense the lesson into its main point, recognize visitors, celebrate marriages (of grandchildren and great grandchildren!), mention those who were ill, and mourn the passing of long term members. Mother said to her visitor, "I'll be there on Sunday and will write the column on Monday as I always go." I so wish . . .
She just mentioned that she wanted to take me and Keith to dinner and to send some food home with us so I'd have something to eat. Her incredible kindness and concern for others continues to shine through. What sweetness. When she's awake, she thanks everyone who does something for her. The habit of courtesy will not leave her.
She wants to get up. I'm using her walker as a chair since there are not enough chairs in here. She keeps asking for it. We're just delaying, not really speaking truth to her. Is this helpful?
We are still waiting for the neurologist to appear and give us today's assessment. We must be patient. I know that. I also know I'm near total exhaustion and this is not good. So, the day continues. And we wait. And we wait. And we wait.
1 comment:
Dear Christy, if you are able to read this comment then you know that I am reading your posts. I've been in prayer for you during the day whenever I had a free moment to think of something other than the first day of school. I feel your exhaustion and your frustration as well as your fears for your mom's future and the role you are going to play in it.
What to do for one who cannot do for themselves is the hardest thing to do. Our own fears are often projected into what we are faced with. We know what we would want if it were us and we hope that our relationship with those we are caring for is such that we would know their desires as well.
Never the less, knowing what you or your mom would want does not make it any easier on you to make those decisions when she can not make them for herself.
I offer only this to you and to anyone else reading my comments. Somewhere in the midst of your despair God is there and knows your pain and your heart and your mom's heart and love for him.
Christy, know that God and your friends will not abandon you in this hour of need. Lean on them and find your rest in them and allow them to renew your body and soul. You are loved as is your mom.
As for your questions of what should you be doing for your mom. I will offer these words to you. Pray with family and then go from there. God listens and loves and comforts.
I continue to keep all in prayer.
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